Thanksgiving 2012

The picture below says it all. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the family God has blessed me with.

Surprising, as it may seem, what I’m most thankful for is the gift of wisdom. Where my heart and head now lie is where my infinite joy can be found. When things were once so difficult and overwhelming, the promise of hope becomes most consoling. Right here and right now is where wisdom has never been so clear.

After lots of life I have lived in the past few years, I never thought I would be blessed to know such happiness in my marriage, in my family or in my heart. My God is a God of second chances. I am not perfect, but praise God I am redeemed.

Thank you, Lord for my husband. Five years ago, the man of my dreams married me. Despite all my mistakes and imperfections, I know my husband loves me to no end. Our life together is beautiful because he loves me as God intended man to unconditionally love his wife.

Looking back, I see the truth in every consequence. I realize I’m being molded into the woman I never was because I was too selfish. I’m still selfish. But as a mother, I have no choice but to serve others first. It’s hard to be something that is so unnatural for me. I have always been self-serving and ambitiously chasing what is best for me and only me. Thank you, God! Now I know that path will not lead me to the fulfillment You have in store for me.

When my day-to-day gets out of hand and unruly, I know it’s because I have lost sight of where I am going. That realization is a lifesaver. My wisdom is my security and my grounding.

So this Thanksgiving, I have lots to say thanks for. But in all honesty, I am most thankful for the gift of wisdom that makes me so happy to be right here, right now. Thank you, Lord for your gifts. I am so blessed.

Postpartum Update

Since my August 24th post regarding my postpartum plan to achieving my pre-pregnancy pounds, I’m sad to say that I don’t have much to report. I was doing great the first few weeks. I was able to get to the gym nearly every day for about 3 weeks. Then it became less and less. Now trips to the gym are non-existent and my husband and I are still “donating” to the fitness chain. I had the honest intention of making my work outs work for me in terms of scheduling. I figured that since I want to lose weight so very badly, I would find a way and make a way. But as most parents can relate, the inevitable happened with the little ones getting sick here and there, my abnormal sleep/night feeding routine got the best of me, and every plausible excuse became my justification as to why I’m still sporting the extra poundage in my gut…and butt…and thighs…and arms…etc. But life goes on, and there are more important things to fret over.

On the brighter side, I have lost 6 lbs in the past 30 days doing it the natural way…breastfeeding! While I don’t make the time to exercise, I have been enjoying every morsel of any decadent dessert while giving in to most food cravings at all hours of the day/night. I’m not close to my pre-pregnancy weight. But if I carry on with breastfeeding as my primary workout regimen, I’m pretty sure I will achieve my goal weight by Christmas time. Now if I make the slightest effort to do cardio and/or weight training, I could possibly achieve my desired results in record time. Things are looking up!

On that note, I just want to share how grateful I am to be blessed by the kind words of strangers. It never fails that when I’m out of the house and most oblivious to those around me, young women come up to me and compliment my appearance. Each time I have gone out in the past three weeks, a different woman has complimented my outfit, my accessories, and or my skin. What the heck? I promise, I don’t ever recall having this kind of neighborly treatment. But each friendly and unexpected remark makes me feel so good, especially during these postpartum months. As a busy mom doing whatever it takes to just survive the day, it is such a kind gesture and flatters me to no end.

Supporting his success

Praise God I’ve had a change of heart. In an effort to look at the glass half full, I’m now reaping the benefits although I had another mommy-meltdown moment a few weeks ago. I had a terrible day and was exhausted physically and drained emotionally. With all of my responsibilities at home with the kids, I felt like I was drowning. I sent text messages to my husband throughout the day saying I’ve just about had it and was feeling defeated. He was extremely sensitive to my emotional and mental needs and even offered to listen to me vent right before he walked into an important meeting. I passed on that opportunity and went about my hectic day.

Later that afternoon, my husband sent a text asking if I’d be okay for him to attend a happy hour event with a colleague. I replied saying that although I was worn down from the day, I thought I would have been fine if he went out after business hours. He assured me he wouldn’t be out late. But it didn’t take long for me to become resentful and to settle into crazy stalker mode.

Around 8:00pm, I began calling him repeatedly and texting him to come home because I couldn’t handle things any longer. It seemed that I had given in to my own weaknesses and let my exhaustion take me over the edge. When my husband rushed home to rescue me, he wasn’t greeted by a hello or a thank you. Instead, I gave both babies to him, yelled stupid remarks about my dreadful day, took the car keys and “ran away” to the nearby movie theater parking lot to cry my eyes out for 10 minutes. After I had my very emotional breakdown, I went back to the house and carried on with a bitter and resentful attitude.

Looking back to that episode, I’m ashamed at my behavior and feeling so sorry for my sweet husband. He didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, and my boys should never have to see their mother act so deranged. So, I’ve made the simple decision to look at my busy life in a new light. I must always remember that neither my husband nor my boys deserve my resentful bitterness.

Earlier this year, my husband was promoted to manager of the engineering department at his company. I’m quite proud of his impactful accomplishments at his young professional age. But with this big promotion came a huge time commitment and sacrifice. My husband now works six days nearly every week. Lately he has been coming home just before 7pm. He travels internationally and domestically and is a manager overseeing 9 other engineers. He is busy and we praise God for the job security. But that means I have become even busier here at home since he’s out working for his hard-earned money.

There are times I pressure him to come home immediately so he can relieve the stress I feel from the kids. The poor guy gets pressure from his demanding job and pressure from his demanding wife. But all of this madness is changing, slowly but surely, for the better. I’ve only now realized my husband cannot be great at what he does if I’m not great at what I do.

My husband has an important job as the provider and protector of this family. It’s my wifely duty to make sure everyone in his family is loved and cared for in all ways. I better not forget, it’s Biblical to live the womanly role managing my household while my husband is at the office working to support and provide for us.

So I have started to support him in the best way I know how. Most recently, I happily packed his bags with clean laundry for a tradeshow he had in Las Vegas. I got up at the crack of dawn to masterfully prepare his breakfast sandwich of choice… Nutella spread wedged between three layers of whole grain toast with a thermos of searing hot coffee.

Prior to his trip, I stayed up super late one night to critique a slideshow presentation that he delivered to his company’s executives and international sales team. That turned out to be a fun night. Helping him prepare for that big-time presentation was more than satisfying…it was so rewarding.

He has assured me these little tasks have helped him in his day-to-day grind, but they’re nowhere near as vital to his success as my attitude and acceptance of the truth. It’s that Biblical truth that I firmly hold on to and come back to whenever I get distracted or discouraged when living out my role. This role I play oftentimes beats me down emotionally and physically. This role I have accepted is not always convenient nor is it my preference when my selfish ambition creeps in. Being wife and mother can seem like the most difficult and thankless job, and I become resentful sometimes. But these are my faults and my weaknesses. I think being a wife and mom is about self-sacrifice. I give so much of myself everyday so everyone around me can be great, and praise God that I can and that I do.

I find great fulfillment in my daily life knowing that my husband sees just how hard I work at home. Perhaps my stay-at-home wife and mom career will help my husband advance in his career path? Well it actually isn’t a question. He is moving on up and experiencing bigger and better things at work, and I’m so proud of his accomplishments. I can only imagine his value and potential at his company. I’m not trying to take credit for my husband’s success. But I do find great reward knowing that when I do my best in my job, he succeeds as well. I doubt I can find that kind of fulfillment anywhere else.

At the end of every day when I’m exhausted and beaten down after giving my all to my boys, I am eternally grateful. I praise God for the family He’s given me and I humbly accept the role He expects of me. I have never felt so needed by so many people. I feel I’m being used as God intended because I’m the one at home handling our ongoing responsibilities, appointments and obligations. I feel like all that I do here is one less thing for my overworked husband to worry about. So I will continue doing my best and being my best with the intention of lightening his already burdensome load. I’ll do what I gotta do because we need him to be great too.

My mommy job

In previous posts, I have gone on and on about being a stay-at-home wife and mom. I’m not great at it, but I definitely want to improve. Everyday I learn something new about my role in this family. Everyday I have to become more creative in how I manage the household while raising two boys so close in age. Man, motherhood is hard!

I had an emotional breakdown the other day. I’m guessing my postpartum baby blues may have something to do with just how dramatic I was. But regardless, I was a wreck as I struggled with my current mommy demands and my own selfish ambition. Although I’m embarrassed to share the details, I feel compelled to put it out there.

I’d like to first reference a light-hearted conversation that my husband and I had during our last trip to Los Angeles, CA earlier this year. As we drove past the high-end luxury boutiques of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, my husband said he would be willing to relocate our family if ever I got a job working for the Los Angeles based television network that I secretly dream of working for one day. So flashbacking to that chat, I went out of my way to see online job postings at this particular TV network. To my surprise, I found a couple of positions that I am qualified for. I swear, my heart skipped a beat. Adrenaline began to rush through my veins and I became so engrossed in my own thoughts that I immediately began tweaking my latest job resume draft. At that moment, I had considered applying for a job. I even went so far as to ask my husband during his busy day at work if I could apply for a position at the network.

I got so lost in my own thoughts. Without hesitation, I began strategizing our family’s big move to sunny California. It didn’t matter how much my plans seemed unreasonable and/or illogical. I committed myself to this ideal situation that my husband would find a new job, I would get the job at this network, my parents would retire their lives in Texas to be our live-in nannies in California, and we would take our two pups along for the ride. It’s so insane, right? Well at the time, I don’t like to admit that I thought it was a brilliant scheme.

When my husband came home from a long day of work, I was so eager to share my plan with him. Never did it occur to me that my plan was obnoxious. I thought that since my husband once said he would support me if a professional opportunity came my way then he would be on my same page cheering me on as he always does. When he broke it down for me and challenged me to reason out my poor strategy, I was crushed. Knocking some sense into my overzealous mind, I shut down because I realized my husband was right. My pride wouldn’t let me budge at first, and I became emotionally distant from him because I didn’t want to hear what I needed to hear. Thankfully, it later occurred to me that I was going against everything I am working so hard to fulfill as a stay-at-home wife and mother. Why would I even consider such a radical upheaval of my family’s privileged roots in Texas to fulfill a secret career dream? More disgustingly, why would I ever consider having someone else raising my kids so I could earn a living working some dream job when I don’t have to?

I will admit that I struggle everyday about leaving the workforce to fulfill a full-time responsibility at home. I will admit that sometimes, I cringe thinking that I could have “had it all” being a working mom while juggling my former “dream job.” Sometimes when I’m really feeling down, I don’t consider the luxury of staying at home a privilege but more of a hindrance to what could potentially be my thriving career. Yuck…I’m so selfish and so disappointed with myself. How did I get here and why do I still want more when I have so much to be thankful for?

I can’t help but wonder do other stay-at-home moms regret stopping work outside the home when they’re most needed by their husband and children? Or am I the only self-centered woman out there who struggles with her selfish ambitions?

Postpartum Plan to My Pre-Pregnancy Pounds

Two days ago I had my postpartum doctor’s visit, and praise God, all is good and I’m totally cleared to begin working out. I’m inclined to publish my postpartum plan to regain my pre-pregnancy body…my reason being for accountability. I need to share what I plan to do to keep me disciplined and motivated to achieve results. I’m a firm believer in that results only happen if you track your progress. (I’ve learned that from managing my Mary Kay business.) So, consider this photo taken yesterday of yours truly as the jump starter to my weight loss transformation.

Today was Day 2 of my work out plan and although it would have been so easy to stay snuggled next to my son and my husband, I forced myself to get out of bed and hit the gym at 6:30am. I’m so glad I did. My plan is to stick to a dedicated cardio routine everyday for the next two weeks so my body can get reacquainted with exercise. It’s been a good two years since I’ve had a regular workout routine. God willing, I will begin a full out work out regimen with a buddy beginning on September 6th. The plan is to lose 25-30 pounds before Christmas. God, please help me!

I don’t mean to bore you with these details. Again, I just have to hold myself accountable for the mission I’m trying so hard to accomplish. And for the record, I gotta say that these past two days of cardio first thing in the morning has helped me feel the happiest I have felt since I had Baby Eli. I’ve struggled with the baby blues for the past few weeks. Who knew that a burst of endorphins would help me come out of my postpartum funk? I gotta keep this awesome routine up!

Dear Lord, help me to stay healthy, to stay motivated and to stay focused on the end result. Let the transformation begin!

The nanny

I received a handwritten thank you note from our nanny who went back to college a week ago. To be honest, I’ve read her thank you note at least four times. Each time I get through it, I get choked up.

She spent the most grueling of times with me while I was finishing up my second pregnancy. She even worked during those daunting weeks of recovery after Eli’s C-section delivery. She had seen me through my roller coaster trip of hormonal rages. She had seen me with makeup and when I confidently felt I looked my best. She had also seen me stripped down to a bare-naked face full of blemishes and imperfections. As Isaac’s nanny, she basically experienced the good and the bad with me in the most candid and intimate way.

Her thank you note completely caught me off guard. I will spare you the details, but her words were appreciative coupled with a spiritual sense of sincerity. It’s a beautiful letter. I was touched by her words, not just because she seemed genuine, but more importantly because she saw how I live my faith and in her note claimed to want the same for her own life. To her, I am a good wife and a good mother. But above all, she believes that I’m a God-fearing woman who inspires her to be “always faithful in God’s plan.” Her compliments are the nicest praises I have ever received.

I can preach on and on about what my Christian faith has done for me in these life-changing past three years. But I worry that for those who read this blog as their only connection to my innermost thoughts, I may sound fake and pretentious. Strike that…I was once told to my face that on this blog I sound totally fake and when I speak of my faith, I seem “brainwashed.” Ouch! For those who feel the same way, I’m sorry that you do.

If I have been “brainwashed,” it’s only been a good thing for my life and for those around me. It seems that to those who are looking for insincerity and imperfection, my faithful words mean nothing. But to this particular woman who has seen me living my life in my daily walk with Christ, I’m empowering by my actions alone. Her words mean more to me than she will ever know. Truly God has blessed my life by allowing me to be a witness to her.

For my son, Isaac and future son, Eli

I’m now just over a week away from meeting my second son, Eli. I’m up at 3:30am and experiencing another night of sleeplessness. In pregnancy, it’s something I’m all too familiar with. About an hour ago, I came across a beautiful rendition of Bob Dylan’s “To Make You Feel My Love” by the incomparable Adele.



Music has always been a huge part of my life. I’m proud to say I come from a musically inclined family. My maternal grandparents have shaped and encouraged my love for music. I’m enlivened by an innate passion to sing and to reflect on my life when the perfect melody meets the directness of heart-wrenching lyrics.

I found THE perfect song to someday sing to my son, Isaac and future son, Eli. This will be the anthem commemorating how I strive to be for them. I can safely say no other ballad has touched me the way this cover has. I think it’s the ultimate love song.

With great ambition, I want to be the very best God-fearing woman and mother for my sons in every way possible. I pray my efforts somehow empower them to never settle for anything less than the beautiful men God has created them to be.

“I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love,
To make you feel my love”

But above all else, I’m hoping it clearly explains their mother’s unconditional love.