The popular girls

I don’t make time for myself these days. That is no one’s fault but my own. I have more than enough help to run personal errands, but I don’t care enough to make the effort. I do, however, make time to practice disciplined skincare treatments and I savor every fleeting second of a long shower. BUT, there is something I have prioritized in my personal budget of time. It’s a weekly event I participate in for me, myself, and I.

Lately, I have attended mass at the nearby Catholic Church totally solo. When I first got into the habit of attending mass by myself while my husband bravely manages our sons (and dogs) at home, I felt pressured by time. I know it’s wrong to feel like a guilty mom when leaving to worship in the Lord’s house. But I did. I would keep my cell phone on silent and would keep it within close reach as if I were an OB doctor on call to deliver a baby. Beginning that habit made me feel even guiltier. So I stopped the guilt-ridden anxiety trip, and I made a change.

Last night, I attended the “Life Teen” mass at my church. It’s the service where the high schoolers are encouraged to attend with their families and connect with their friends while worshipping the Lord. I love coming to this mass. It’s inspiring to see young men and women at the altar serving the Lord. But what I look forward to the most during this service is the music. The music ministry at my church is AMAZING!

Well as I mentioned previously, I made a change to my worship ritual during last night’s service. I decided to sing louder than usual. For some reason, I am more comfortable singing during mass when my family isn’t with me. Sharing my talent and love of singing is much easier around strangers…for obvious reasons.

I went and found a seat in the overflow room where all the families with little ones sit next to their trendy strollers. Soon after I sat down, a quartet of what I assumed were high school-aged girls sat in the row in front of me. Already, I was all too quick to pass judgment based on their appearance, their demeanor and their overall presence. Like any teenage flick chronicling the perils and torment of high school life, these girls were such a cliché.

I painted a picture in my head that these four beautiful young ladies were THE popular ones at their school. They were dressed exactly the same, adorned with outlandish accessories, figure-fitting and skin-bearing clothing. Not to mention, I couldn’t help but wonder what the heck a 17-year-old was doing wearing a Chanel bag that I could never justify owning but so enviably want. They were a distraction to everyone else as well. I could see pre-adolescent boys gawking at them. I watched a couple of creepy old men do a double take when they walked by the quartet. I most astutely noticed two mothers giving their disapproving looks towards the attractive foursome. I guess they were thinking to themselves, “How could their mothers let them attend mass wearing THAT?!”

It was hard to keep my eyes on the cross when these young gals were so eye-catching. I am embarrassed to admit that I judged these girls. But early into the mass I decided to let it all go and just worship Him. With whatever was in my heart when mass started, I was compelled to sing passionately and fervently throughout the mass. I let go and prayed the more earnestly with every note I hit. As freeing as it was to sing my heart out, it was uncomfortable and I felt intimidated by the foursome. Like any group of girls would do, they snickered and giggled amongst themselves throughout the entire service. As self-centered as I am, I was convinced that they were making snide remarks about how loudly I was singing. Self-conscious much? Yes, but I worked to squash it and asked God to keep me focused despite the distraction.

Then we reached the point of service where we all shook hands with our neighbors saying, “peace be with you.” I didn’t expect any one of those girls to reach out to me. They seemed too preoccupied giving hugs and kisses and peace to each other. But to my surprise, three of the four girls reached out to shake my hand and complimented me on my singing. In fact, they were so genuine and took the time to tell me to my face that my voice is “so pretty.” I was floored. I thanked them, told them they were sweet, and ended the chatter with a “Praise God” closing remark. Not sure how they took that, but it didn’t matter.

It was an empowering moment. I cannot ever remember singing so openly during a mass service…ever. I did struggle with the propensity to use my voice as a means to “show off.” I’m not a shy person and humility is something I lack. But God humbled me to the point where I had to surrender my self-consciousness in order to worship during service. When I did, I sang out loud…and it was empowering for myself and apparently for others around me as well.

Katie Couric mourns with our country

Thank you, Katie Couric, for your very important show honoring the families who have been affected by Friday’s tragedy along with others who have also suffered such painful loss. Your show today is important. For those who long for comfort and solace, I believe hope can be found in prayer-filled faith and spiritual wisdom first and foremost. I’m a wife and mother of two little ones. But before any of these roles, I am a Christ-following woman. Although I have never suffered this kind of loss, I believe that in God alone, I can find a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Your guests today are living proof that the God I honor and serve is one of forgiving grace and mercy. It is hard to fathom how a parent who has lost their innocent baby so violently does not feel anger towards the deeply disturbed man who killed their beloved. But in their unshakeable faith in Christ their Savior, the parents on today's show feel compassion for a soul so lost in despairing darkness. Thank you, Katie, for giving a voice and stage to these families mourning the loss of their little ones. Those parents have inspired me to look at my own faith and to know that when even in the darkest moments, my faith, my hope, and love for others will heal even the most unbearable pain. I am now a loyal viewer of your show. God bless you, Katie. God bless everyone that has been affected by this national tragedy. God bless America in this time of mourning.

Thanksgiving 2012

The picture below says it all. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the family God has blessed me with.

Surprising, as it may seem, what I’m most thankful for is the gift of wisdom. Where my heart and head now lie is where my infinite joy can be found. When things were once so difficult and overwhelming, the promise of hope becomes most consoling. Right here and right now is where wisdom has never been so clear.

After lots of life I have lived in the past few years, I never thought I would be blessed to know such happiness in my marriage, in my family or in my heart. My God is a God of second chances. I am not perfect, but praise God I am redeemed.

Thank you, Lord for my husband. Five years ago, the man of my dreams married me. Despite all my mistakes and imperfections, I know my husband loves me to no end. Our life together is beautiful because he loves me as God intended man to unconditionally love his wife.

Looking back, I see the truth in every consequence. I realize I’m being molded into the woman I never was because I was too selfish. I’m still selfish. But as a mother, I have no choice but to serve others first. It’s hard to be something that is so unnatural for me. I have always been self-serving and ambitiously chasing what is best for me and only me. Thank you, God! Now I know that path will not lead me to the fulfillment You have in store for me.

When my day-to-day gets out of hand and unruly, I know it’s because I have lost sight of where I am going. That realization is a lifesaver. My wisdom is my security and my grounding.

So this Thanksgiving, I have lots to say thanks for. But in all honesty, I am most thankful for the gift of wisdom that makes me so happy to be right here, right now. Thank you, Lord for your gifts. I am so blessed.

Postpartum Update

Since my August 24th post regarding my postpartum plan to achieving my pre-pregnancy pounds, I’m sad to say that I don’t have much to report. I was doing great the first few weeks. I was able to get to the gym nearly every day for about 3 weeks. Then it became less and less. Now trips to the gym are non-existent and my husband and I are still “donating” to the fitness chain. I had the honest intention of making my work outs work for me in terms of scheduling. I figured that since I want to lose weight so very badly, I would find a way and make a way. But as most parents can relate, the inevitable happened with the little ones getting sick here and there, my abnormal sleep/night feeding routine got the best of me, and every plausible excuse became my justification as to why I’m still sporting the extra poundage in my gut…and butt…and thighs…and arms…etc. But life goes on, and there are more important things to fret over.

On the brighter side, I have lost 6 lbs in the past 30 days doing it the natural way…breastfeeding! While I don’t make the time to exercise, I have been enjoying every morsel of any decadent dessert while giving in to most food cravings at all hours of the day/night. I’m not close to my pre-pregnancy weight. But if I carry on with breastfeeding as my primary workout regimen, I’m pretty sure I will achieve my goal weight by Christmas time. Now if I make the slightest effort to do cardio and/or weight training, I could possibly achieve my desired results in record time. Things are looking up!

On that note, I just want to share how grateful I am to be blessed by the kind words of strangers. It never fails that when I’m out of the house and most oblivious to those around me, young women come up to me and compliment my appearance. Each time I have gone out in the past three weeks, a different woman has complimented my outfit, my accessories, and or my skin. What the heck? I promise, I don’t ever recall having this kind of neighborly treatment. But each friendly and unexpected remark makes me feel so good, especially during these postpartum months. As a busy mom doing whatever it takes to just survive the day, it is such a kind gesture and flatters me to no end.

Supporting his success

Praise God I’ve had a change of heart. In an effort to look at the glass half full, I’m now reaping the benefits although I had another mommy-meltdown moment a few weeks ago. I had a terrible day and was exhausted physically and drained emotionally. With all of my responsibilities at home with the kids, I felt like I was drowning. I sent text messages to my husband throughout the day saying I’ve just about had it and was feeling defeated. He was extremely sensitive to my emotional and mental needs and even offered to listen to me vent right before he walked into an important meeting. I passed on that opportunity and went about my hectic day.

Later that afternoon, my husband sent a text asking if I’d be okay for him to attend a happy hour event with a colleague. I replied saying that although I was worn down from the day, I thought I would have been fine if he went out after business hours. He assured me he wouldn’t be out late. But it didn’t take long for me to become resentful and to settle into crazy stalker mode.

Around 8:00pm, I began calling him repeatedly and texting him to come home because I couldn’t handle things any longer. It seemed that I had given in to my own weaknesses and let my exhaustion take me over the edge. When my husband rushed home to rescue me, he wasn’t greeted by a hello or a thank you. Instead, I gave both babies to him, yelled stupid remarks about my dreadful day, took the car keys and “ran away” to the nearby movie theater parking lot to cry my eyes out for 10 minutes. After I had my very emotional breakdown, I went back to the house and carried on with a bitter and resentful attitude.

Looking back to that episode, I’m ashamed at my behavior and feeling so sorry for my sweet husband. He didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, and my boys should never have to see their mother act so deranged. So, I’ve made the simple decision to look at my busy life in a new light. I must always remember that neither my husband nor my boys deserve my resentful bitterness.

Earlier this year, my husband was promoted to manager of the engineering department at his company. I’m quite proud of his impactful accomplishments at his young professional age. But with this big promotion came a huge time commitment and sacrifice. My husband now works six days nearly every week. Lately he has been coming home just before 7pm. He travels internationally and domestically and is a manager overseeing 9 other engineers. He is busy and we praise God for the job security. But that means I have become even busier here at home since he’s out working for his hard-earned money.

There are times I pressure him to come home immediately so he can relieve the stress I feel from the kids. The poor guy gets pressure from his demanding job and pressure from his demanding wife. But all of this madness is changing, slowly but surely, for the better. I’ve only now realized my husband cannot be great at what he does if I’m not great at what I do.

My husband has an important job as the provider and protector of this family. It’s my wifely duty to make sure everyone in his family is loved and cared for in all ways. I better not forget, it’s Biblical to live the womanly role managing my household while my husband is at the office working to support and provide for us.

So I have started to support him in the best way I know how. Most recently, I happily packed his bags with clean laundry for a tradeshow he had in Las Vegas. I got up at the crack of dawn to masterfully prepare his breakfast sandwich of choice… Nutella spread wedged between three layers of whole grain toast with a thermos of searing hot coffee.

Prior to his trip, I stayed up super late one night to critique a slideshow presentation that he delivered to his company’s executives and international sales team. That turned out to be a fun night. Helping him prepare for that big-time presentation was more than satisfying…it was so rewarding.

He has assured me these little tasks have helped him in his day-to-day grind, but they’re nowhere near as vital to his success as my attitude and acceptance of the truth. It’s that Biblical truth that I firmly hold on to and come back to whenever I get distracted or discouraged when living out my role. This role I play oftentimes beats me down emotionally and physically. This role I have accepted is not always convenient nor is it my preference when my selfish ambition creeps in. Being wife and mother can seem like the most difficult and thankless job, and I become resentful sometimes. But these are my faults and my weaknesses. I think being a wife and mom is about self-sacrifice. I give so much of myself everyday so everyone around me can be great, and praise God that I can and that I do.

I find great fulfillment in my daily life knowing that my husband sees just how hard I work at home. Perhaps my stay-at-home wife and mom career will help my husband advance in his career path? Well it actually isn’t a question. He is moving on up and experiencing bigger and better things at work, and I’m so proud of his accomplishments. I can only imagine his value and potential at his company. I’m not trying to take credit for my husband’s success. But I do find great reward knowing that when I do my best in my job, he succeeds as well. I doubt I can find that kind of fulfillment anywhere else.

At the end of every day when I’m exhausted and beaten down after giving my all to my boys, I am eternally grateful. I praise God for the family He’s given me and I humbly accept the role He expects of me. I have never felt so needed by so many people. I feel I’m being used as God intended because I’m the one at home handling our ongoing responsibilities, appointments and obligations. I feel like all that I do here is one less thing for my overworked husband to worry about. So I will continue doing my best and being my best with the intention of lightening his already burdensome load. I’ll do what I gotta do because we need him to be great too.

My mommy job

In previous posts, I have gone on and on about being a stay-at-home wife and mom. I’m not great at it, but I definitely want to improve. Everyday I learn something new about my role in this family. Everyday I have to become more creative in how I manage the household while raising two boys so close in age. Man, motherhood is hard!

I had an emotional breakdown the other day. I’m guessing my postpartum baby blues may have something to do with just how dramatic I was. But regardless, I was a wreck as I struggled with my current mommy demands and my own selfish ambition. Although I’m embarrassed to share the details, I feel compelled to put it out there.

I’d like to first reference a light-hearted conversation that my husband and I had during our last trip to Los Angeles, CA earlier this year. As we drove past the high-end luxury boutiques of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, my husband said he would be willing to relocate our family if ever I got a job working for the Los Angeles based television network that I secretly dream of working for one day. So flashbacking to that chat, I went out of my way to see online job postings at this particular TV network. To my surprise, I found a couple of positions that I am qualified for. I swear, my heart skipped a beat. Adrenaline began to rush through my veins and I became so engrossed in my own thoughts that I immediately began tweaking my latest job resume draft. At that moment, I had considered applying for a job. I even went so far as to ask my husband during his busy day at work if I could apply for a position at the network.

I got so lost in my own thoughts. Without hesitation, I began strategizing our family’s big move to sunny California. It didn’t matter how much my plans seemed unreasonable and/or illogical. I committed myself to this ideal situation that my husband would find a new job, I would get the job at this network, my parents would retire their lives in Texas to be our live-in nannies in California, and we would take our two pups along for the ride. It’s so insane, right? Well at the time, I don’t like to admit that I thought it was a brilliant scheme.

When my husband came home from a long day of work, I was so eager to share my plan with him. Never did it occur to me that my plan was obnoxious. I thought that since my husband once said he would support me if a professional opportunity came my way then he would be on my same page cheering me on as he always does. When he broke it down for me and challenged me to reason out my poor strategy, I was crushed. Knocking some sense into my overzealous mind, I shut down because I realized my husband was right. My pride wouldn’t let me budge at first, and I became emotionally distant from him because I didn’t want to hear what I needed to hear. Thankfully, it later occurred to me that I was going against everything I am working so hard to fulfill as a stay-at-home wife and mother. Why would I even consider such a radical upheaval of my family’s privileged roots in Texas to fulfill a secret career dream? More disgustingly, why would I ever consider having someone else raising my kids so I could earn a living working some dream job when I don’t have to?

I will admit that I struggle everyday about leaving the workforce to fulfill a full-time responsibility at home. I will admit that sometimes, I cringe thinking that I could have “had it all” being a working mom while juggling my former “dream job.” Sometimes when I’m really feeling down, I don’t consider the luxury of staying at home a privilege but more of a hindrance to what could potentially be my thriving career. Yuck…I’m so selfish and so disappointed with myself. How did I get here and why do I still want more when I have so much to be thankful for?

I can’t help but wonder do other stay-at-home moms regret stopping work outside the home when they’re most needed by their husband and children? Or am I the only self-centered woman out there who struggles with her selfish ambitions?

Postpartum Plan to My Pre-Pregnancy Pounds

Two days ago I had my postpartum doctor’s visit, and praise God, all is good and I’m totally cleared to begin working out. I’m inclined to publish my postpartum plan to regain my pre-pregnancy body…my reason being for accountability. I need to share what I plan to do to keep me disciplined and motivated to achieve results. I’m a firm believer in that results only happen if you track your progress. (I’ve learned that from managing my Mary Kay business.) So, consider this photo taken yesterday of yours truly as the jump starter to my weight loss transformation.

Today was Day 2 of my work out plan and although it would have been so easy to stay snuggled next to my son and my husband, I forced myself to get out of bed and hit the gym at 6:30am. I’m so glad I did. My plan is to stick to a dedicated cardio routine everyday for the next two weeks so my body can get reacquainted with exercise. It’s been a good two years since I’ve had a regular workout routine. God willing, I will begin a full out work out regimen with a buddy beginning on September 6th. The plan is to lose 25-30 pounds before Christmas. God, please help me!

I don’t mean to bore you with these details. Again, I just have to hold myself accountable for the mission I’m trying so hard to accomplish. And for the record, I gotta say that these past two days of cardio first thing in the morning has helped me feel the happiest I have felt since I had Baby Eli. I’ve struggled with the baby blues for the past few weeks. Who knew that a burst of endorphins would help me come out of my postpartum funk? I gotta keep this awesome routine up!

Dear Lord, help me to stay healthy, to stay motivated and to stay focused on the end result. Let the transformation begin!