I've grown up a ton in the recent months. For those who don't know, my husband and I are trying for our first child after enduring our first miscarriage in early January. It's been an emotional struggle but a HUGE lesson learned.
Not only was the pain from a natural miscarriage severe, but finding acceptance in the pain was even more of a challenge. Thanks to prayers and support from family and dear friends, we can accept that becoming parents is not for us right now...and that's completely okay.
But can I just be honest? Feeling the baby leave me was the most painful experience of my entire life. I won't go into detail because I hate reliving it.
The doc told me I did nothing wrong. The doc convinced me that scientifically I could not have done anything to have prevented a weak fetal development. Again, the doc repeatedly said I did nothing wrong. But being the thought-provoking woman that I am, in my heart I feel I must have done something else terribly wrong.
There are times I struggle thinking that perhaps a different fate could have twisted the plot in a more positive light. Let me just say I veered off the only path I should have made straight. This detour in my journey got me nowhere good in life. Deep in the pits of my understanding, I believe my heart wasn't completely at peace and this unsettled feeling of concern is what may have caused the complication. My wonderful husband always has to remind me that is not how I'm supposed to think especially in this case.
Thanks to his constant reminders and unfailing love and support, I'm able to shake it off and jump back to my faith in God and realize that I cannot lean on my own understanding and only with HIM can good things come to be.(Proverbs 3:5-8)
So...we're still trying to start a family and still working to strengthen our acceptance that this isn't meant for us in our own time. This WILL happen when it's meant to happen. My want and desires come only second to a grander plan that's already predetermined.
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