Postpartum Pounds

This weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me. I had extreme highs after having experienced my first Mother’s Day. Then there were the moments I fell too deep into my own self-loathing insecurities. My husband did everything he could to cheer me up, but I decided it was never enough. It’s hideous of me to let my heart and emotions come down so low. After all, I’m blessed with so much: good health, a happy home, a loving marriage, and a beautiful baby boy. But believe it or not, my heart is still a volatile mess of emotions.

Right now, my biggest internal conflict is my postpartum weight issues. This blog is intended to share the sweet honesty of the reality I face. So here it goes…I currently weigh a whopping 152 lbs! I have NEVER weighed more than 130lbs on even my most bloated and miserable days, pre-pregnancy that is. My hips, thighs, and junk in this trunk are of gargantuan proportions. When I look in the mirror, I tell myself I look disgusting!

I’m blessed to have had a speedy metabolism and lean physique for all of my life. Then, I had a big baby boy and let my sweet cravings get the best of me. I did not discipline myself as much as I hoped to throughout the pregnancy and/or postpartum days. Granted, I am breastfeeding and my baby needs my calories. So dieting is not an option at the moment, but I digress. I caught myself looking into the mirror in a fitting room trying clothes that were my size but looked unflattering and straight up not hot at all! I’m a mom, and I ain’t tryin' to dress all hot to get attention. But I want to feel good wearing clothes that make me feel confident in this new body. I ain’t about to invest in “mom jeans!” I will do whatever it takes to avoid denim until I’m at my ideal weight. I already have this sluggish mom body and I refuse to give in to a less than flattering wardrobe just because I now have childbearing hips. In all seriousness, when it comes to my physique, it’s so hard to accept me for me at this present time.

My husband has been there for me, cheering me on with every pound I lose. He compliments me when I make the effort to do my hair. He tells baby that he has a beautiful mommy. Never once has my husband given me any reason to believe I’m physically disgusting. These dreadfully negative thoughts are all self-inflicted. And it’s now getting to the point where my negative opinions are superior to what anyone else says.

I can’t just say “thank you” when my husband says I look pretty. I’ve become so negative to the point where I allow my own perception of my physique to come before anything meaningful in life. I can’t look past the reality of having had a baby. I feel disgusting and in a sickly twisted way, I tell myself my feelings of disgust are the absolute truth. But it’s not the truth at all!

My husband has been my guidance counselor throughout postpartum. He got me to realize that these unreasonably self-centered, superficial insecurities about my outward appearance were once again letting the evil seep in. It’s another spiritual battle. Why would the “evil one” want me to be happy with all that I’m blessed with? Why would the “evil one” want me to recognize God’s greatest gift…my baby boy? Why would the “evil one” want me to be so spiritually high that nothing else matters? These questions all boil down to one simple truth. The “evil one” will work ‘round the clock to interfere with my recognition of God’s grace, His mercy, and His love. The “evil one” wants me to believe that it’s right to drown in self-hatred when it comes to my self-perception. When I obsess over my insecurities, the “evil one” wins.

It wasn’t until my husband and I had talked did I realized my dissatisfaction is crippling my spiritual well being. I’ve given in to the one sin from which all other sins arise…PRIDE. What is truly hideous is that I’ve become so engrossed in vanity.

Now is the time to get myself out of this rut. I must let go of the negativity that consumes me and hold firm to what is real and true. I should start by accepting the sweet compliments my husband gives me. Am I really disgusting? No! Do I have any reason to be unhappy with what I’ve been given? Heck no! I must squash any insignificant thoughts. It’s now up to me to let it all go and let God continue to work His way in my heart and into my mind.

Before I continue berating myself for my current full figure, I must understand my vanity is a sinful practice and no good can come of it. Not only is it rude to ignore compliments from my sweet husband, but it's also damaging to my personal worth and well being. What's the point of hating how I look? What am I really trying to prove? My self-worth cannot be measured by looks alone. It's time to be humbled and it's time to grow up. Looks aren't everything and placing my happiness/sadness on appearance is bulls!@#. Whenever my superficiality gets in the way of my happiness, all I have to do is take one good look at this beautiful, healthy baby boy that God gave me. Then nothing else will matter.