In previous posts, I have gone on and on about being a stay-at-home wife and mom. I’m not great at it, but I definitely want to improve. Everyday I learn something new about my role in this family. Everyday I have to become more creative in how I manage the household while raising two boys so close in age. Man, motherhood is hard!
I had an emotional breakdown the other day. I’m guessing my postpartum baby blues may have something to do with just how dramatic I was. But regardless, I was a wreck as I struggled with my current mommy demands and my own selfish ambition. Although I’m embarrassed to share the details, I feel compelled to put it out there.
I’d like to first reference a light-hearted conversation that my husband and I had during our last trip to Los Angeles, CA earlier this year. As we drove past the high-end luxury boutiques of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, my husband said he would be willing to relocate our family if ever I got a job working for the Los Angeles based television network that I secretly dream of working for one day. So flashbacking to that chat, I went out of my way to see online job postings at this particular TV network. To my surprise, I found a couple of positions that I am qualified for. I swear, my heart skipped a beat. Adrenaline began to rush through my veins and I became so engrossed in my own thoughts that I immediately began tweaking my latest job resume draft. At that moment, I had considered applying for a job. I even went so far as to ask my husband during his busy day at work if I could apply for a position at the network.
I got so lost in my own thoughts. Without hesitation, I began strategizing our family’s big move to sunny California. It didn’t matter how much my plans seemed unreasonable and/or illogical. I committed myself to this ideal situation that my husband would find a new job, I would get the job at this network, my parents would retire their lives in Texas to be our live-in nannies in California, and we would take our two pups along for the ride. It’s so insane, right? Well at the time, I don’t like to admit that I thought it was a brilliant scheme.
When my husband came home from a long day of work, I was so eager to share my plan with him. Never did it occur to me that my plan was obnoxious. I thought that since my husband once said he would support me if a professional opportunity came my way then he would be on my same page cheering me on as he always does. When he broke it down for me and challenged me to reason out my poor strategy, I was crushed. Knocking some sense into my overzealous mind, I shut down because I realized my husband was right. My pride wouldn’t let me budge at first, and I became emotionally distant from him because I didn’t want to hear what I needed to hear. Thankfully, it later occurred to me that I was going against everything I am working so hard to fulfill as a stay-at-home wife and mother. Why would I even consider such a radical upheaval of my family’s privileged roots in Texas to fulfill a secret career dream? More disgustingly, why would I ever consider having someone else raising my kids so I could earn a living working some dream job when I don’t have to?
I will admit that I struggle everyday about leaving the workforce to fulfill a full-time responsibility at home. I will admit that sometimes, I cringe thinking that I could have “had it all” being a working mom while juggling my former “dream job.” Sometimes when I’m really feeling down, I don’t consider the luxury of staying at home a privilege but more of a hindrance to what could potentially be my thriving career. Yuck…I’m so selfish and so disappointed with myself. How did I get here and why do I still want more when I have so much to be thankful for?
I can’t help but wonder do other stay-at-home moms regret stopping work outside the home when they’re most needed by their husband and children? Or am I the only self-centered woman out there who struggles with her selfish ambitions?
